Postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression after weaning are real! And if you think you are experiencing them, you are not alone. This is my story of postpartum anxiety after 17 months of breastfeeding.
The Beginning
After my daughter was born, I did all of the normal screenings for postpartum anxiety and depression, but everything looked “normal” so my doctor sent me on my way. Yes, I felt tired, stressed, unsure and insecure– but that’s just life for a new mom, right?
I was exclusively nursing and was honestly terrified to leave the baby alone. Since she wasn’t yet on a schedule– what if she needed to eat? What if she was screaming from hunger and I wasn’t there? I was the only one that could feed her. In my head, I was the only solution.
It took me about 6 weeks before I even left the house without her. One night, my husband insisted that I go pick up our pizza (maybe 1 mile down the road). I would be gone for 10 minutes max, she was home with her dad, and it would be fine. But you know what I did? I cried the whole way there and the whole way back– panicked that she needed me and I wasn’t there. Looking back, this should’ve been a major red flag. But I just figured it was normal to feel anxious about leaving your new baby.
Eventually, as we got into a routine, I became more comfortable leaving her for short periods of time. Although I had friends that were already leaving their baby overnight, or for multiple days, the most I could do was a few hours. But I figured it was progress.
After 17 months of nursing, the time had come. She was only nursing once before bed and she seemed to just wean herself. I was expecting it to be much harder, so I was thankful that it happened naturally and that I wasn’t feeling engorged or super hormonal. But less than 1 month after she weaned, I had my first panic attack.
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postpartum anxiety
Panic Attacks
It was a beautiful day in March and we had plans to visit a local festival with some friends. It was slightly cool outside but the sun was out, so we were so excited to finally enjoy some nice post-winter weather. After the festival, my family of 3 grabbed a quick lunch out before going home for nap time.
But in the middle of lunch, I started feeling really hot. Then the nausea hit and made me feel like I couldn’t possibly take another bite. It was like something came over my whole body, creeping up my neck and giving me a weird chill all over. I immediately went to the car and blasted the air conditioning. I remember taking my shoes off, thinking that maybe I had overheated or that my morning coffee just got to me. But I ended up spending the rest of the day on the couch and couldn’t eat for almost 24 hours.
Over the next several months, this same exact thing would happen many times. I was scared and had no idea what was happening to my body. I started to lose weight from not being able to eat and going to a restaurant would trigger me because that was where it seemed to happen most frequently.
{It wasn’t until one year later when I actually realized that these were panic attacks}
Anxiety is Sneaky
The tricky thing about anxiety is that sometimes it can hide in plain sight. For me, we were still able to have some really great times throughout my period of postpartum anxiety. We took our daughter to Disney for the first time, celebrated holidays and birthdays, took a vacation to the beach and did plenty of fun things together as a family. And there were days where everything was great!
But it was only a matter of time before the anxiety would creep back in— like having a panic attack during dinner on our first night of vacation. It was almost like my body freaked out at the first sign of relaxation, because it didn’t know how to relax anymore
Putting on a Happy Face
Something I got pretty good at was putting on a happy face. Other than my husband, no one knew that I was dealing with all of these internal battles. Having postpartum anxiety (and for me, not realizing that it was anxiety), can put you in a downwards spiral. I was already not feeling the most secure and confident about myself. I used to be a fun, energetic girl who loved life and now I’m this? The negative self-talk didn’t help either, but I just didn’t feel like I was being the best version of myself and I was mad at myself for it. How did I let myself get this way?
On the outside, I smiled and laughed and did all of the things I was supposed to. I tried to put myself out there. I took my daughter to the park and all of the toddler activities. I talked to other moms and tried to make friends (we were still new-ish to our new city). But on the inside, I second guessed everything I did. Was I coming across as annoying? Did I seem too desperate? It felt like a never-ending rut.
Physical Symptoms
Even though my body was screaming at me that something was wrong, I somehow came up with an excuse for everything I was feeling.
Not sleeping well? That’s just because it’s in my genes. I’ve always gone through phases where I don’t sleep as well, so I just really be burned out and taking longer to recover this time around.
Seeming a little underweight? I had lost a good amount of weight when I was breastfeeding, and I just hadn’t gained it back. No big deal.
Lost another 5 pounds? My PMS was really bad (the worst I’ve ever had!) and causing a low appetite. It’ll come back soon.
Heart palpitations? I was getting myself worked up because I didn’t know what was going on. I’m sure everything is fine. Just take some deep breaths and it’ll go away.
Sudden intense feelings of nausea/indigestion and then not being able to eat? Figured it was my stomach issues acting up again. I’ve had them since I was a kid and they’re always worse when I’m stressed. That must be it.
My body and mind were clearly telling me to get the help that I needed. I just wasn’t willing to listen, until I was.
Getting Help
Easier said than done, right? Asking for help is one of those things that should be so easy, but in reality, it is SO HARD.
Admitting you can’t do something on your own.
Being vulnerable.
Not having full control.
Not my cup of tea.
I’m stubborn. I’m type A. And I can do it on my own, thank you very much.
Only this time, that wasn’t exactly the case. It had been enough. I owed it to myself, and my family, to get over my pride and get help.
Therapy
It was about 7 months after my first panic attack that I had my first therapy appointment. I was SO nervous and felt uncomfortable about sharing the details of my life with a complete stranger. Would she think I was a lunatic? Would she judge me? Was this really going to help?
I think I cried throughout the entire first appointment. Poor therapist probably only understood 25% of what I said. But she was so nice, so understanding and I genuinely felt like she was listening. We decided that I’d have weekly appointments and then hopefully as I progressed, we could cut that down to a more {financially} manageable schedule. But walking out of my first appointment, I felt an immediate weight off of my shoulders. Just having an unbiased person to talk things through with (and let’s be honest, to vent to) was so impactful.
Therapy was, without a doubt, the best thing I did for myself.
But even though therapy has been such a difference-maker in my journey with postpartum anxiety, it isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. I want to share my full, honest experience with you so that you have the whole picture.
While I didn’t necessarily have expectations for therapy, I certainly didn’t expect that things would get worse once I started going. Not worse as in my anxiety was worse, but worse because all of my emotions and feelings about things were coming to the forefront. To learn how to manage my anxiety, we had to dig down into the details of why I was feeling this way. And even though I knew I was making (slow) progress, it almost felt like I was going backwards and it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually, it does get better though- so if this happens to you too, please stick it out. I promise that it will be worth it!
Anti-Anxiety Medication
My therapist brought up anti-anxiety medication in my first session with her. But this was a big N.O. for me. I viewed this as me giving up on myself or that I wasn’t as strong enough to do it on my own. So, I politely said that I really wasn’t interested and that I wanted to try everything else first. She fully supported me and we continued with my regular sessions.
But after a particularly rough week with multiple panic attacks, my husband suggested that maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try it. He was so proud of everything I was doing, but maybe there was something chemical going on– something that would need medication to fix. He was on board with whatever I wanted, but he also wanted to see me get better. And he thought that maybe the medication would act like a booster– just enough to get me over the hump and get my head in a better space. (Full disclosure, my husband is a physician and while mental health isn’t his specialty, I do trust his medical opinion in addition to his opinion as just my husband :))
I made an appointment with my OB and figured I’d just go and learn what I could. I’d let her know what was going on and see what she thought. Well, I walked out with a bucket of nerves and a prescription for anti-anxiety medication.
I’ll be honest. The first week on the medication, while my body adjusted, was not easy. I didn’t feel well at all– figuring out whether to take it in the morning or at night, fighting nausea and feeling out of it. But, eventually, those symptoms did go away, and once they did, I saw an immediate difference in myself. I felt more optimistic, less tired and sad and more motivated to get back to myself. I still had work to do because this wasn’t the magical cure-all solution, but it was a step in the right direction.
Self-Care
Along with therapy and the anti-anxiety medication, I also started to take better care of myself. There are so many suggestions out there for those of us battling anxiety– yoga, meditation, gratitude journals, exercise, essential oils, reduce caffeine and the list goes on and on. Here was my experience:
I started a gratitude journal– that lasted just a few days.
I cut out caffeine– that didn’t help (did this before therapy and medication).
I downloaded a few meditation apps– couldn’t really find the time to sit in the peace and quiet (does that exist in a house with a toddler?)
But, yoga. Yoga was something I liked. I enjoyed that my class was a mix of men and women of all ages and abilities. Everyone was there for their own reason and there was zero judgment. It was an hour that I could *try* to clear my mind, focus on my breathing and relax. And I’d even use some of the breathing techniques outside of class– they would help me calm down if I started to feel a panic attack coming on, or make me more aware of when I was starting to feel anxious.
I know that yoga may not be for everyone, but my point here is that you have to find what works for you. Maybe it’s yoga. Maybe it’s taking a short walk outside. Whatever it is– find one thing that you can do to help clear your mind and give yourself a little break from the craziness of life.
Support System
My husband was incredibly supportive through my journey. But for a while, he was the only one who knew what was truly going on. I felt embarrassed, and ashamed even, for what was going on. I didn’t know how to put it all into words and I didn’t think anyone would understand. No one else had talked about feeling this way post-weaning and many of my friends didn’t have kids yet. Yes, I had other issues that were contributing to my anxiety, but my story felt so unique. It felt so lonely.
I tend to clam up when I’m going through something hard– I’m embarrassed by it and don’t want to feel like a burden or like I’m always the one being negative or complaining. But I learned that this was just the anxiety talking.
So I finally got the courage to open up to family and friends. My family had known that something was going on with me, but because they live in another state, they weren’t seeing the day-to-day impact the anxiety was having. And I had felt so disconnected from my friends. But once I shared everything with them, an immediate weight was lifted. I no longer felt alone– and I even found out that a few of them had seen therapists or taken anti-anxiety medication before too. It was so nice to have others to talk to and to know that my support system was there for me.
Moving Forward
At one point, it felt like things would never get better. I thought I’d just have to accept that this was my life now, and I’d have to learn to live with ongoing panic attacks and anxiety. But once I decided to ask for help, my life was forever changed. Yes, things did get harder before they got better. But doing the hard work and facing those tough emotions is what got me to where I am today.
Between therapy, yoga, utilizing my support system and trying to do more things that made me happy (girl’s nights, going to concerts/sporting events, reading a good book, taking a night to binge Netflix, eating good dessert, etc.), I felt more like myself every day.
And after about 6 months of being on the medication, I realized that I hadn’t had a panic attack in more than a month. And there’s been no more since.
How Could I Not Have Known?
Did you ever see that show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”? I remember watching and thinking “C’mon! How could you NOT know?? You had the symptoms! You were feeling weird! You made up excuses for all of it!” Well, now I know (sort of). Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best example, but I can now see how something that is so obvious in hindsight may not always be as obvious when it’s happening.
When people talk about postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, it’s typically talked about happening right after the baby is born. The doctors tell you to watch for extreme irritability, lack of connection with your baby, feeling very down, not enjoying things you used to, etc. But because I didn’t have these symptoms, and the changes in me didn’t happen until my daughter was already 17 months old, I felt clueless.
And panic attacks? I thought when you had them that you felt like you were having a heart attack– your heart would pound out of your chest, you couldn’t breathe, the room was spinning….I had no idea that panic attacks showed up in different ways.
The Lightbulb Went Off
I’ve always run a little anxious– that’s just me. But I had never really used the term, “anxiety.” I would have said I was more of an easily-stressed person.
So in an effort to share stories with my therapist that would allow her to get to know me better, I was telling her the story about my drive to pick up pizza a few weeks after my daughter was born. She listened intently and said “I think you have postpartum anxiety that was never addressed. Everything happening in your life (lots of changes including a new baby, husband getting a new job, moving to a different state, etc.) have just been building up and your ‘happy hormones’ from nursing helped you keep it under control. But once you weaned, that changed.”
And that’s when it clicked.
The random feelings of nausea/not being able to eat, feeling overheated and getting lightheaded– those were panic attacks. And it started after I weaned– for some reason, my hormones just couldn’t get back on track and all the things I had been dealing with over the past 17 months finally came to a head.
Of course, once I realized what was actually going on with me, I came to my best friend Google. I tried to find information on post-weaning anxiety, but really couldn’t find much that talked about the connection between weaning and postpartum anxiety. Why was nobody talking about this??
I did find a few blog posts, and though our stories are not exactly the same, it was extremely helpful to read about the experiences of others and to know that I wasn’t alone; To know that this was something real. I’m forever grateful to these women for sharing their stories:
Joanna from A Cup of Jo: The Hardest Two Months of My Life
Jenna from Postpartum Progress: Fighting PPD After Weaning
Jo from Cosmopolitan: The One Thing Nobody Tells You When You Stop Breastfeeding
Living with Anxiety
Before becoming a mom, I didn’t have to think about managing anxiety or making self-care a priority. But when I weaned my daughter from breastfeeding, all of my anxiety bubbled over into something that I had never experienced before. And though I have gotten the postpartum anxiety aspect under control, I have come to realize that anxiety is just always going to be a part of who I am– but I do not have to let it define who I am. Yes, it’s something that I’ll likely have to manage throughout my life. But now that I’ve gone through the hard part of hitting rock bottom and pulling myself out (with the help of some amazing people), I’m not scared of it anymore.
My husband and I are talking about having a second child. Is it scary to think about going back down that hole? 100%. But I’m confident that this time will be different. Sure, it’s possible that my hormones could cause my anxiety to flare up again, but this time we have a plan. I’ve consulted with my OB and therapist. My husband and I know the signs in my body that may mean it’s time to ask for help. It’s also possible that it was just a one time thing and everything will be fine this time around.
Do I still get anxious from time to time? Sure, I’m human. But if I feel anxiety coming on, I know how to talk to myself, how to breathe, how to calm myself and how to move on. That’s something I didn’t know how to do before, and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come.
Mamas Stick Together
This past year and a half has been one of the most challenging times of my life, but when I look at where I was then, and where I am now, I never would have thought this would have been possible.
I hope that by sharing my story, I can have even the smallest impact in breaking the stigma on talking about mental health. And if my story can help just one other mama who might be feeling alone or who needs to hear that yes, it does get better, then it will be worth it.
Mamas, there is no shame in asking for help, no shame in taking medication and no shame in making your health a priority. If you think you may be experiencing anxiety or depression after weaning, talk to your doctor. If they don’t listen, try another. Reach out to me. I’m happy to be a sounding board if you just need someone to talk or vent to. Just promise that you will do what you need to do to the best you– for your kids and for your spouse, but mostly for you. I believe in you, mama. And I’m here to help you through. There’s nothing that you can’t do!
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